


maybe there is hope

by inafieldofroses



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22590748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inafieldofroses/pseuds/inafieldofroses
Summary: Lexi was thought to always be happy.the one to cheer you on when you needed it most.but has anyone actually ever asked Lexi how she was feeling?
Relationships: Rue Bennett/Lexi Howard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	1. the truth

Lexi Howard had always been happy. At least that is what the people around her believed.  
She would always smile and be the one to be that light in anyone’s day. Though no one ever truly asked her how she was doing.  
That just was the “mask” she put on for people. Even for her own family, which she would never admit. She was always trying to be as cool of a person as her sister was. Her mom once told her that she would have been better off if she didn’t have her. The number of times she would come home crying. 

No one in the school was her friend. Sure she had people she might say hello to but she didn’t have a single actual friend. Some people thought that Rue was her friend, and she used to believe she was but she stopped believing it about a month ago. She would always be there for her when in reality the friendship was one-sided. Lexi was putting all her effort into helping Rue and it was draining after a while. So, she stopped talking to her all together one day. She had enough.

But she recently started going to this theory group. She wasn’t fond of the whole idea at first but with some help of Cassie, saying she should go, she did. It was awkward at the first meeting because she didn’t know anyone. It was a small group, thankfully only about 6 people. It started off with introductions and they did a small bonding activity. She met two other girls in the group named Alison and Jacey. They were also dealing with handling anxiety and made Lexi genuinely laugh for the first time in a while. After that interaction, the first meeting went by fast. She wouldn’t admit it to anyone but that meeting was the best thing she had done for herself in a long time. The feeling of it being a no-judgment zone and having people genuinely listen to her was something she missed.

She was so thankful that group met every week and she was excited to go back. She felt for once that she could get better and be genuinely happy or maybe close to it. As she got out of bed and got changed for school, she was happy it was Friday. She knew that the long week at school as almost over and group was tomorrow. She wouldn’t have to pretend to be happy for 2 more days. She knew that she had Jacey and Alison who would be there and they could talk more and just bond. 

As she arrived at the center where the meetings were held, she saw Jacey as she was walking in, so she waved and Jacey waved back. The two walked in together and asked how their weeks went. Lexi for once decided to be honest and say it was another long week. The classes were okay but just having no one there to talk to sucked. It was at that moment Jacey gave her a hug. Lexi couldn’t remember the last time she had been hugged, it must have been months.  
She was stiff at first but soon returned the hug. She felt tears form in her eyes, but for once they were happy ones. The ones that felt like she was understood and not just a waste of space. Maybe things will get better, just maybe.


	2. her.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all lexi wanted was a non anxiety day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't going to update this but  
> when i wrote this i was going through a REALLY bad mental health state.  
> i am since doing better but i think that this story is important to tell so i'll try my best to tell it. also ik this is so short  
> hopefully the next chapter will be longer.

Her Therapy meeting went well. She finally got to rant about how she felt like no one in her life currently truly cared about her. How whenever she tried to talk to her mom, she told her she was tired or was too busy worrying about her sister. She was so thankful though that she had found such a wonderful group of people who genuinely listened to her and gave her feedback on what to do. Some of the people in the group even shared that they were going through a similar situation. 

Once the hour had ended, Lexi had plans to go get some coffee with Jacey and Navia. She couldn’t remember the last time she went out to do things with a friend. When they got there, Lexi got a chocolate chip cookie and a frapachino. It was such a beautiful day out so the three of them decided to go to the park and have a “picnic” . The air was a little brisk but Lexi loved it, she felt not trapped and never wanted to go back home. The three of them had decided to pack a meal together. The meal consisted of sandwiches from a local store called Sammy’s and some fruit. The three of them enjoyed the picnic and got to know each other better.

“ I seriously can’t thank you guys enough for hanging out with me outside of group. I haven’t been out with a friend since middle school. I only ever had Rue as a friend but you all know how that turned out. “Lexi said while pushing her hair behind her ear looking down.

Navia was the first to respond as she saw tears pierce Lexi’s eyes. She reached down to take her hand in hers for a second. “ Of course, we all have shit we go through, but what matters is that we remember we are not alone. You always have me Lexi, I will listen to you rant for hours, you are such a sweet person and I can’t believe you’ve been treated so badly. “She finished as she let go of her hand. Jacey on the other hand was about to say something when she got cut off by a voice in the distance. 

“Hey , your mom told me I would find you here, I have a few questions about homework” was all the tall girl said. Lexi froze. Tears forming in her eyes were prevalent. She was shaking a little but not enough for anyone around her to be concerned. She couldn’t make herself look up as if she did , she knew she would have an extreme panic attack. She had to work through this on her own. She could do this… or so she thought. Jacey and Navia tried to ask what was wrong as she went expressionless. Lexi was looking pale and her friends were worried, so one of them finally spoke up.

“ Um we were actually just leave so if you will excuse us” Jacey chimed in obviously sensing Lexi’s uncomfort, with the picnic. Navia helped as the two of them picked up the blanket and the food.

Lexi still sitting frozen , knowing that the tall girl hadn’t moved closer which was a relief. She couldn’t move though even if she wanted. She was trapped. Luckily Navia had helped her up and took her hand in hers. The three of them started walking away from the tall girl.   
Lexi’s legs wobbly and her heart beating out of her chest, trying not to alarm her friends with her stupid anxiety. It was supposed to be a good non panic day. yet here she was, shaky and feeling more scared than she had since she started going to group.

“ Who was that Lexi?” Navia asked wanting to know so she could help lexi in future situations if the girl were to intrude her life again. 

“ Rue” was all Lexi could get out before she felt like she couldn’t breathe and fainted..


	3. freak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> panic attacks fucking suck.

All Lexi could feel was sick. As she entered her house alone, she felt cold and hopeless. She ran up to her room and slammed the door. Luckily for her Cassie and her mom weren’t home. The two of them had gone to look at a college for Cassie to attend in the fall. 

Once in her room her shaking increased until she fell onto her bed. Her mind was going 1000 miles an hour, telling her so many things. Many the opposite of positive. 

“ Lexi you are a waste of space”

“ Lexi you don’t have any friends.. kinda sad”

“ Lexi you seriously need to stop panicking all the damn time”

“ No one would care If you died right now, not even your mom or Cassie” 

it was too much. She felt her food she ate at her picnic coming up. She knew it was too late to attempt to go to the bathroom but she knew she had to try. She attempted to get up and she did but once she stood she started vomiting. She would continue to throw up for a solid two minutes, but to Lexi it felt like a whole hour. Once she finished she was furious with herself.

“ FUCK” Lexi yelled as she walked around the pile of vomit. She felt a little better once she had that out of her system. though she still felt like shit, who knew a single person could trigger such a bad panic attack. 

She went to go get paper towels and some of the stain remover to clean up her mess. She knew Cassie would not be pleased to walk into a room and see that. Once she finished cleaning, she went back up to her room. She decided to change into the laziest outfit she could find. She found a perfect oversized shirt and some shorts to put underneath. 

She didn’t even know what she did to have Rue have the audacity to ask her for help. In the past Lexi would have said yes in a instant. Though that was BEFORE she realized that being walked all over was shitty. Rue was the person who brought back all bad memories, hence why the panic attack.

She knew she needed to get through this alone. Although texting Navia was tempting. The two of them had messaged multiple times, asking if she was okay. Of course Lexi had replied that she was fine to lead them away from keeping bothering her.

Although she knew she was due to eat dinner, she felt anything but hungry. She refused to eat until someone forced her to and even then she didn’t want to.

Navia had posed a photo of the three of them on Instagram. It was cute and she looked genuinely happy in it. She didn’t want to get too attached to either of them, but so far they were the only good part of Lexi’s life. All was well until she saw the comments on the photo. Some read

“So this is the girl who tried to commit suicide a year ago”

“ Look its Lexi, the girl who was obsessed with Rue Bennett, freak”

“ The girl in the middle isn’t even pretty, Cassie truly got the better genes”

Before she knew what she was doing, she threw her phone across the room. She didn’t care if the screen protector cracked. There were nothing but positive comments about the two other ladies. Why the fuck did people have to always be against her. She used to be one of the most respected people in the school… until the event happened. That is when the school only thought of her as a freak. 

Well maybe she was. I mean if she kept on being called a freak the more she agreed. The more she felt her confidence fade. The more she felt that whenever she talked no one genuinely cared. The only people on this fucking planet that cared were non existent, only possible in her dreams.

That is when Lexi made a decision. She was going to go mute. She didn’t know how long, of course at school she would talk. Though other than that no one would hear the voice of Lexi Howard for a while. It was better that way, maybe then she would feel less stress and this depression could leave her..

The freak was going silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you are suffering yourself, it is okay to seek help and i encourage you to.  
> national suicide prevention hotline:800-273-8255  
> crisis textine( where you can text if you have anxiety): 741741  
> these are just two of the many hotlines that are here for you and its okay to reach out!  
> this story can be a lot to take in at times, i understand that. as i said i started writing it when i was in a really dark place.  
> just know you are all beautiful people and i hope if anything you take something away from this story. this story means a lot to me and i just want you to know you are so strong and you WILL get through it.
> 
> some parts of this story i am taking from how i felt last fall, and one of them is in this chapter. i wont say what part of the chapter i experienced but one of them i went through myself.
> 
> feel free to follow me on my socials if you wish to talk to me, i love talking to new people.  
> my tumblr: lizaaaaaa  
> instagram:mararitasroses
> 
> ps: this is going to be more than 4 chapters, so don't worry, much more to come.


	4. why me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't really have a summary for this so just enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry it has been a while since i updated. 2 months exactly. there has been a lot of stuff going on and i wasn't motivated.  
> but hope you enjoy this next chapter.

It wasn’t so bad as she thought it would be. Turns out not saying anything when people didn’t care what you thought or said in the first place, is refreshing. It takes all the pressure out of saying something stupid or getting hurt. Lexi Howard was the first to know how much having feelings of any kind sucked. Sure she still talked to Cassie and her mom but very minimal. She would answer when asked how her day was and said thank you for dinner, but that was basically it.

She also started to not notice how little she talked. It was just the default. Even at group she didn’t share anymore. She just said she was fine and still working on her goals from last week. Jacey and Navia, even noticed a difference. They had asked Lexi if everything was good and of course she lied and said “ yeah life’s great”. She deep down felt bad as she was declining hanging out with the two of them. Lexi though couldn’t bring herself to tell them that she felt like shit. 

That her anxiety had been back up the highest it had been. That her mom was on the verge of losing her job. That she had no one to talk to. And more importantly that Rue Bennett had chosen now to attempt to walk back into her life. It was so much, and she knew she shouldn’t have to go through it alone. She knew that somewhere. Some fucking where, had to be someone who would fucking listen. Her who love her. Who wouldn’t care if she was an anxious mess. 

The world was so cruel and just had to make Lexi’s life shit, and she wished that there was a way out.. she felt she had tried everything. All the hobbies she could think of from baking to reading to coloring.. nothing helped for long or at all. these things that use to make her happy, now failed to do so. 

It was a Friday night now and all Lexi wanted to do was sleep forever. So she had her nightly breakdown which usually tired her out enough before bed.

Though as she wiped her tears away, she thought to herself about therapy and what the moderator had said. “ Sometimes we need to give people second chances to prove themselves”.

Did this mean Rue deserved a second chance? It was just homework after all, it wasn’t more than that. Though Lexi was still afraid. What if Rue started yelling at her again? She hated those moments.

As she took a deep breath, she knew what she had to do. She needed to talk so she could tell Rue she could help with homework if she needed it. she wouldn’t talk more than she needed to though. 

As she dialed Rue’s number her chest started pounding so fast. She could feel her heartbeat in her throat and ears. It rang a few times before Rue picked up.

“ Hey Lex, look I’m sorry for the par-“ Rue tried to say but was cut off

“ Look, I can help you with your homework if you need it. also don’t worry about what happened its over.” Lexi said cutting to the chase hoping this phone call would be over soon.

“ Uh thanks Lex, I would appreciate that. My mom helped me with the one I asked you earlier about. Though in the future I’m 100% taking you up on that offer” Rue said with a small giggle.

“ Oh okay, well that’s all I wanted to say. I’m sorry for ruining your evening” Lexi said hoping Rue would say goodbye now and she could go to bed.

“ Why would you think you were running my evening? I’m happy to talk to you” Rue said.

Lexi could feel her throat tightening, for once not because of pain. But she couldn’t cry on the phone. She didn’t and wouldn’t allow Rue to get the best of her. Not again.

“ You don’t have to say things you don’t mean Rue. Anyway I’m going to bed. So goodnight.” Lex said.

“ Goodnight Lex , lo-“ Rue didn’t get to finish as Lexi hung up.

As Lexi got up, to go get ready for bed she wondered. Why did Rue almost say love when hanging up. It must have been just a mistake, yeah that must have been it. Rue Bennet could never like let alone love Lexi Howard.

Once in her pajamas Lexi crawled under the covers. As she started up into the wall, she thought about how she had talked tonight. It was weird and nerve wracking. Though Rue didn’t seem on edge like she had in years past or over her the second she started caring about her.

As she started drifting off to sleep, her phone got a text notification.

From :Rue: love you Lex.


	5. thought i was okay..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i know this is pretty short. and im sorry, as i've been so busy lately and haven't had time to write much!  
> i hope you enjoy this chapter though and i'll update when i can! school is starting again soon so idk when i'll have time to write but im excited for the upcoming chapters and the finale of this story!!!

As Lexi woke up the next morning she felt more exhausted than when she went to bed. She blamed it on her breakdown and her anxiety while talking to Rue. As she got up, she went to the kitchen to eat before school. She usually just had cereal and some orange juice. Lexi never had too much trouble getting ready for school. Once she had finished, she went to get dressed. Today she decided to go cozy. She picked out some black sweatpants and a graphic tee with flowers on it and tossed a hoodie over it and to complete the outfit she worse some converse.  
She put her hair into a pony tail and washed her face. As she did she saw her blood shed eyes. The ones that cried a oceans worth of tears and still had more to come. She knew she needed to stay strong, she had to see Rue today and she could not break down or show weakness. As she walked to her car and got in she kept thinking the same thing. “ fuck we have a history project coming up and it’s partner based”. Hopefully Mrs. Brown would let her do it on her own. She only knew Rue in that class and she didn’t, no she couldn’t do it with her. 

Once she was ready to go, she started her drive to school. She always stopped on her way there to get a bagel at Dunkin before continuing her trip to school. She loved their bagels that they and there. The cinnamon raisin ones were her favorite, even though anyone else would say they are gross.

Once at school and parked she got her bag and walked towards the building’s entrance. She had History first period and her teacher let her eat in class. She was a very nice kind teacher. Plus Lexi was good at history. She always was fascinated by learning about it. Mostly world history but none the less she knew the facts. She just hoped Rue wouldn’t bother her.

She stopped at her locker first before going to class. She hadn’t had any homework last night for the class so it would be a pretty easy day. They were going to do trivia for their test coming up in 3 days. It was Friday and Monday would be the test. Mrs Brown always used kahoot for the tests so the class could use their phones. 

Once in she kept her head on her desk until Mrs. Brown would walk in. She didn’t want to interact with anyone. 

“ Hey, I love your hoodie Lexi” someone said as they walked by. It couldn’t be Rue as she knew her voice. 

As she lifted her head she noticed that it was Ruby who had said it. the two had never talked as Lexi wasn’t the best at making small talk. She was shy and talking to new people even if she had known them since kindergarten was hard. Rue was the only one who stuck and felt somewhat okay to talk to. 

“Um thank you” she replied as she sat up in her seat. She knew class would start any minute and wanted to be ready. She had all her notes in front of her and her doughnut ready to eat, maybe this class wouldn’t be that bad. 

Until Rue walked in. the whole vibe changed. She suddenly felt unsafe and her chest tightened. 

“ I’m okay” she kept repeating to herself while attempting to hold in her tears. She hated how much Rue fucked with her anxiety. She couldn’t believe she used to find peace in Rue’s presence. She tried to just look at her notes and not look up. She knew that if she did she might meet eyes with Rue.

As Mrs. Brown walked in though, her fears lessened for about 5 minutes.  
“ okay we are doing review a little different today. We are going to do it in teams of 3. This way you all can help each other study while reviewing!” Mrs. Brown said with a smile.

As long as she was not with Rue, she would be fine. She could do this, plus she loved history and would bring her team to victory. 

“Lexi Ruby and Leo” Mrs brown said as she read off her team.  
Lexi let out a sigh. It was a relief. She was with two eh kids in her class but she could feel her focus coming back and the shaking calming down. this might actually be fun now. 

“Um Mrs. Brown, Leo isn’t here. Well he was here but he went to the nurse’s office as she felt sick to his stomach.” Rue said while attempting to look at Lexi, but failing as each time she tried Lexi turned her head. 

“ Well in that case Rue you can join Lexi and Ruby.” Mrs. brown said as Rue got up from her seat and moved over to where Lexi and ruby were sitting.

“ Hey Ruby , Lexi” She said as she said down. she was trying to make small talk, but ruby was the only one falling for it. Lexi refused. This was a nightmare. 

Lexi felt sick now. she felt trapped. The fact that Rue was SO close to her and wasn’t moving away if anything moving closer, made her stomach flip. She needed to tell Rue to give her some space. 

“Please give me some space, your invading it” Lexi said to Rue as she moved to the seat away from hers. 

“ Hey I’ll move back, but can you come back? I didn’t uh want you to move. You also are the one that knows the most and you need to see the screen and I know you can’t from there” Rue said as she extended her hand to Lexi, like she was trying to make up with her after a fight or some shit.

“No. “ Lexi said as she got her bag and started moving backwards towards the door.

“Lexi, you can’t leave, please sit down” Mrs. Brown said.

“ No No” The tears were forming now and it was evident something was bothering Lexi, everyone saw her.

Rue then took it upon herself to get up and go closer to Lexi in attempt to give her a hug. Though it failed by a long shot.

“ NO get away. You did this, you made me a fucking mess. You took all my air away Rue and you didn’t even care. So don’t pull this fake friend shit with me anymore, cause I should of believed from the beginning that it was too good to be true. That we could never be friends, I was meant to be alone on this earth and that is how I intend to continue living” Lexi said as everyone was silent in their seats. Not a peep. People stopped throughout the school. Lexi not realizing how loud she had gotten.

“Lex i-“ Rue started to say as tears were now forming in her eyes. But Lexi left the doorway before she could say anything else. She watched Lexi walked down the hallway and out the doors. 

Rue’s POV

How much of a jerk had I been to make Lexi break? Like she was one of the strongest people I know. Had I really been so bad to her these past few years to have her just go numb? She had to have to have seen the text I sent her last night. Oh, shit I hope she didn’t think it was on impulse.  
It’s all my fault. 

Rue standing in the doorway, had many thoughts going through her mind. The first was that one of the best people that Rue had the pleasure of knowing hated her. Probably had for a while.She made Lexi go from being so caring to having a anxiety attack in school. She never once fucking checked up on her. It was always Lexi checking up on her daily. Asking if she was doing okay. She really had been the worst friend ever. She knew Lexi deserved better, though she knew one thing for sure.

She wanted to help Lexi get better. Lexi had been a HUGE part of Rue getting better after her second overdose. She wanted to know she could come to her if she needed anything. She wanted to return all the check in’s that Lexi had done for her over the years. 

And she knew just the way to start.

**Author's Note:**

> so i've always wanted to write a lexi howard fic  
> so i did lol. idk if i will continue this or not  
> but i wanted to post it.


End file.
